What Future?

Photo taken by the author

Recently, I had a breakdown - if that's what you call it. An incident triggered a change in my routinary life and in consequence, posed a threat to derail my plans. There's a lot of ugly crying, days of lethargy, sulking, and the strong dislike to talk about my struggles to anyone. Nevertheless, in general, I can say I'm functional, which is the only good thing that's happening right now. Adulting demands us to be functional all the time, right?

How did it feel like? I couldn't really explain, but it made me recall one story from a friend a few years back. We were on the way home from a drinking session in the afternoon. He seemed to be his normal self when intoxicated. We were talking and laughing before we parted ways. A few hours later, he texted us to let us know that he probably was so drunk that when he got back to his senses, he was in the middle of an expressway and didn't even know how he got there, right in the middle of speeding vehicles.

He made it home alright. But as I think about it now, if I were in that position, I would have been scared. Everything around me moving at top speed while I stand stranded in between. I would have wanted to cross to either side of the road, but I would have gotten anxious because the vehicles would just not stop. I would have been confused, lost, and helpless.

That was how it felt like the other day and frankly, I still couldn't get myself back together. I feel paralyzed, stuck in the middle of a busy highway because life just wouldn’t slow down for you, let alone stop, even when you so badly needed a moment to think of a way to save yourself.

I've been working for 10 years now. In general, I had a clear trajectory of my journey: work hard, earn money, pay the bills, get promoted, pay the bills. Lather, rinse, repeat. Worked well for me, especially since I have been the breadwinner since god knows when.

That's it. That's basically my life plan.

Well, that wasn't really a plan for myself. There was no future, no clear path other than work and bills, for me. It's just that.

Turns out, you've got to have a plan for yourself. Surprise!

Just yesterday, I went out grocery shopping with my mom. I love her and I used to enjoy those activities with her. But yesterday, it just felt dragging to a point that I felt so miserable. In my head, I was already hearing myself say, "This is what you're going to do for the rest of your life. This is what you're made for." I’d like to believe that it’s probably not something bad or something to be ashamed for, yet at that moment and even as of this writing, I feel like I'm serving a lifetime sentence in a prison I have built myself and entered voluntarily. For the first time, I wanted to say it out loud: This is not the life I would have wanted for myself and I blame myself for choosing this. Actually, I hated myself for choosing this kind  of life.

But what would I have wanted in the first place?

To be honest, I have no idea. And the mere fact that I don't know is incapacitating.

This year, I will be turning thirty-one and because of the recent events, it seems that I will have to think about the future - MY future. I suppose I have to do it fast, but life other than work and home has always been unchartered waters for me. So, goodluck with that.

Heck, I never imagined I will be a lost kid at 30.