Going Through The Motions

Photo taken by the author

I was a mess this morning after work, lying on my side while I stared at the blank wall in front of me. All the pent-up emotions from the previous weeks - months, even - were fighting their way out of my chest to make their presence felt.

The lump in my throat was their way of telling me that they were real... And that they were mine.

This is definitely not my best season. Right now, in every aspect of my life, there are challenges and I am squinting to find the silver lining. I have emotional baggage I need to compartmentalize everyday in order for me to function. At work, I have to put up my game face and carry on with the show to live up to people's expectations. (Yes, this is what I signed up for.)

But this morning, I caved in. I had to feel angry, frustrated, sad, lonely, helpless - every single feeling I've been trying so hard to suppress. In the past months, I had rage, disappointment, solitude, and loss present in my life but I dealt with them the fastest way I can because I couldn't afford to process them. I lost a dear friend recently and to be honest, I don't think I have even completely mourned.

Perhaps, this is the curse of the times. Life is happening so fast that we don't have time to feel anymore. The world simply doesn't stop because I need to take five and cry.

But I guess, instead of going through the motions, we have to make time to feel in order to manage the emotions we're trying to brush off, or at least put away in that little box under our beds or at the corner of our closets.

Here's to hoping that after a good cry, I will wake up later with a lighter heart.


RM